Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Kissing Hanks A** (Note: contains some offensive language)


My Dear Friends,

I have many different kinds of friends and I LOVE THEM ALL.

Some people think that because I am spiritual that somehow this means I’m a “tight-ass” and guess what? I AM NOT. In fact, I am not easily offended by much at all.

Some time ago I got the following “parable-like” story from some friends who run a site called “The Rational Response Squad”… These guys are hardcore atheists who are as busy doing their work as anybody who ever knocked on your door with a free magazine or offer to study the Bible. I actually was interviewed by them for their 10th internet radio show and they have since gone on to be involved in such activities as “The War on Christmas”, “The You-Tube Deny the Holy Spirit project” and now are putting together an “Atheist Blood Drive”.

I may not agree with them but I do admire their persistence.

Anyway, the story is sort of a round-about way of putting down religious belief and it actually is kind of funny because I agree that much of “religion” can oft-times look a bit like this story.

I felt led to use the same style of humor to provide an answer…which is the “Memo” following the story. I feel those who can read into the metaphor will enjoy this.. Maybe even those who can’t might at least get the idea ..or at the VERY LEAST find it entertaining and amusing. _________________________________________________________________________________ HERE IS THE ORIGINAL “SCRIPT”

Kissing Hanks Ass...

This morning there was a knock at my door.

When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."From the Desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears.” I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. ___________________________________________________________________

So, I have quickly penned the following as so of a metaphoric answer: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There seems to be some misunderstands concerning my Father's agreement .

Karl (although well meaning) is a bit hard of hearing and made a quite a few mistakes regarding what my Father instructed him to convey regarding his offer.

My Father attempted to contact Karl a long time ago to clarify these misunderstandings but Karl had already rewritten and distributed the list and others had likewise done so to the point where people simply assumed the list contained no errors.

I am hoping by way of this memo to make clear what the truth is concerning the offer and reasoning for some of the instructions which may appear to be contradictory or odd.

I only hope that Karl can make the changes but there are several other people who appear to have taken both my Father and Karl's name and claimed to be the authority.. so I will do my best but Dave, for example, is not likely to change his ways since he added the extra line "Send Dave your extra money" even though that was never authorized by Dad. Here is the Current List that Karl messed up and the revisions applicable:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. (My Father never actually stated that people had to "kiss his ass".. He actually just said "please respect me and I will help you when you move“.. But Karl sort of rewrote it and made it sound more ominous.. But Karl likely thought this would get more attention).

2. Use alcohol in moderation. (At least he got this one right.. well, kind of, Basically Karl was a bit tipsy when Dad called him and this was actually a message directed to him specifically.. the actual rule was meant to read "Be moderate in all things... Excess can harm people and is ill advised)

3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. (My Dad dislikes all forms of violence and so how Karl messed this one up confuses him... The actual Third rule was "Seek peaceful Unity with all people"... I Guess Karl really needs to consider the moderation thing).

4. Eat right. (Well he got this right.. but should have also added "and get plenty of rest and exercise“.. dad is fairly health conscious because he really cares about people.)

5. Hank dictated this list Himself. (I think Karl was writing a thought here because this is a bit redundant... Yes, My Father did dictate some words to Karl.. But he wrote down a much longer list than my Father intended.. I suppose he just wanted to et people know where it came from.. Alcohol does weird things.)

6. The moon is made of green cheese. (As I said Alcohol does strange things.. I think Karl just wrote down something he imagined here because even IF the moon were made of GREEN CHEESE does it even seem logical to make it part of this list... Perhaps Karl needs a 12-step program... I might even suggest adding a 13th one..LOL)

7. Everything Hank says is right. (TRUE, But too many people are taking Karl's message and assuming every word of it came from Dad. My Dad's phone number is available to everyone.. but so few ever call Him.. Rather they run off to Doug, Harry, Ted or DAVE and assume that they speak fot My Dad when THEY DO NOT.. Many of them have added their own name along side my Dad's here and that's just not cool at all.)

8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. (This was intended to be a part of 3 but Karl decided to make it a separate entry... He also forgot to include "Brush your teeth after every meal" but frankly is just intended to keep everyone "healthy".)

9. Don't use alcohol. (This was a personal Command to "Drunk Karl" and the reason he told Karl this should be obvious.. Why My Dad trusted Karl to do this is beyond me except I suppose Karl was the only one willing.. So ya gotta use what's willing and available.. at least he tried.)

10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. (Actually Dad advised Karl to not eat wieners at all and said to him only because at the time there was a” food poisoning" problem and no longer applies as it once did.. Oh Karl.. Please stop drinking, buy a hearing aid and take dictation without adding your own crap..(sigh))

11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you. (Again, Dad does not intend to harm anyone.. He is actually philanthropic and trying to help when people move.. Dad honor's HIS promises and intends to pay the million dollars to any who move out of town.. But old Karl added the kicking part himself.. I mean really, I know my Dad and he wouldn't harm anyone. Many people kick the shit out of themselves and claim my Dad did it.. I guess that is why many believe this myth)

Well, I hope this helps clear up some of the miscommunication.. But I tend to doubt it because there are so many people who don't even believe me when I say I am His Son.. They have even figured out ways to cash in on this miscommunication and everyone thinks they know my Father better than I do.

Oh well, I have done my task and have told you all the truth but I cannot force you to believe what you do or don't wish to believe. Dad plans on making a visit soon to clear this all up personally. I mean, HE REALLY LOVES EVERYBODY and SO DO I! Thank You! Bill (Son of Hank) BE LOVE & BE LOVED!

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